DEATH OF CINEMA

REMAKES:  

THE DEATH OF CINEMA

Remakes have become the death of Cinema. And here’s why.

MINDLESS REMAKES 

Despite public outcry, the 1980s Terry Gilliam classic Time Bandits is the latest to fall under the stream-roller of executive plumbing. 

Gone are all the unpalatable un-PC bits that we all loved. Thus no more Dwarfs because that’s racist.

The reason they plough ahead with such stupid remakes, regardless of civil unrest is because they do the number-crunching and come out with an absurd profit margin.

Remakes typically do this. Its far more economical to do a remake and let it fail, rather than go to all the trouble of an original idea and having to spend tons of money promoting it.

We all loved Schwarzenegger in Total Recall. But who the hell remembers the remake? And more to the point, what the hell was the point of making it?

It’s a no brainer. Even if the film flops, at least the suits didn’t lose out on too much money. And its always floggable in some format or other. 

But it also shows how desperate Hollywood has become.

The remake has become the norm. If George Lucas tried to get Star Wars made today, it would likely never happen. It very nearly didn't happen back in 1976.

Ironically Star Wars opened the floodgates for quirky films to get made. Including Time Bandits. 

And the reason it almost got cancelled was due to studio interference, from the cleaners who kept cleaning all the sets, to the head of the lighting department who kept telling george off about his lighting choices. 

Even the actors vetoed the film. And why? Because Star Wars wasn’t the norm.

Nobody had ever heard of it before. Nobody gave a shit. 

CATCH 22 TRENDING 

We follow trends. Its as simple as that. What everyone wanted in the 1970s was gritty cop thrillers. Dirty Harry, Serpico, The French Connection.

So it was kinda a Catch 22 trending situation to get an original idea to work. 

In order for an original idea to float, there has to be a wave of other original ideas floating about as well, that have made some profit.

Sooner or later, somebody has to near dam kill themselves just to push that boundary. And Lucas became very ill due to all the stress, trying to get Star Wars made.

Ultimately it’s all about the funding. To break free of the remake cycle, film makers still need money, they need studio backing, but also be free of executive interference, and be somewhat of a thick-skinned maverick.

Like Lucas, Terry Gilliam had his fair share of studio interference and stressful film making experiences. His first attempt at making Don Quixote (with Jonny Depp) was eventually abandoned after the film set was washed away in a rain storm. It would take him like 17 years to finally get that movie made.

EXTORTIONATE PRICES 

To be honest, Cinemas are no longer places of engagement. Unlike traditional theatre, (where there is at least a intermission and bar and thus discussion about the arts), a cinema has become a fast-food joint, with patrons coerced into buying over-priced food and beverages to justify the (lack of) a cinema experience. 

I once bought a bag of mixed penny sweets at a cinema. It cost FIVE POUNDS. Which is insane. I had the staff member weigh each sweet, which worked out 20pence a sweet. Jesus.  They're supposed to be penny sweets! 

Dont get me started with the drinks. 

Then another time we saw a film and it was actually out of focus for the entire two hour movie. 

NO INTERMISSIONS 

Plus theres no breaks! No intermission. You are literally stuck in that room for whatever the length of the film.  If the movie is ten hours long. Tough luck buddy. You gotta sit thru it, to the bitter end. 

Case in point was sitting thru a good three hours of Avatar 2, in the worlds most uncomfortable cinema seats. I then complained to the staff. They shrugged and didn't care. 

I told them to put all the adds in the middle of the movie. And call it something like I dunno an "INTERMISSION" maybe? I doubt they'll take that advice on. 

Thus cinemas are dying off.  The fast-food mentality isnt helping. 

ONLINE STREAMING 

Now its all online. Why bother paying to see a movie in a cinema? When you can sit in the comfort of your own home, in your jim-jams, in your fave comfy sofa with a ton of cheap-ass snacks and drinks?  

Thus the days of cinema are extremely numbered. Hosting plafforms such as Netflix and Disney will eventually supersede the cinema altogether. 

Which might actually encourage original film-making but all at a price.

And that price is the death of community cinema. A place where people went out on dates and friends met and talked about the movie afterwards.

AI MOVIES 

Anyone with a half-decent computer and software can make a movie these days. Better still, if you use things like Mid-Journey AI, you can basically use prompts and the computer will make the film for you. 

If you've seen the short AI clips on offer already, you'll know that the quality of most is exquisite and also quite worrying. 

Its only a matter of time before a fully articulate AI movie is made by a bunch of ten year olds in their bedrooms. And bye-bye Hollywood. 

CELLS WITHIN CELLS 

The line between reality and fiction is getting so blurred that I doubt anyone can really tell the difference anymore. 

Is that really Trump on Tv or is that AI?  This is danger. 

So this is what passes for the cinema experience today. 

Now we’ve become compartmentalised. Put into boxes. Staring at boxes. Cells within cells. 

Perhaps one day we really will be living in the Matrix. But by then, I guess we wont even care. 

ALIEN 3

  THE PROBLEM WITH 

ALIEN 3 

There is nothing hopeful or redeeming about this film. But in itself is a compelling narrative. Great atmospheric lighting, fantastic grimy as hell set-pieces and a stella cast. However, compared to the previous kick-ass instalment, this sequel aint much fun.

Rather, its like a form of cinematic voyeurism or watching a car crash, or children burning alive in a house, and you cant take your eyes off it because its got that creepy-ass dont-go-in-the-basement kinda vibe about it.

In fact, the prison in which this film is set, is essentially one big huge basement. And as much as you want your favourite characters not to go down in there and get butchered, its out of your hands.

UNRAVELLING CHARACTERS 

I guess the ultimate problem with this movie is the producers seemed hell-bent on unravelling the nicely self contained arc of the previous movie.

In other words, they didn't have any respect for what had been achieved in Cameron's Aliens, whereby Ripley had a second chance at a family. I mean, she started off in that film, a broken lost soul, 57 years passed her time, unable to sleep, forever having nightmares etc. On top of all this, then she finds out her daughters died of old age. Just when she thinks things couldn't be any worse, she's facing a court martial if she doesn't go back into the Aliens lair on LV-426.

It sucks. And we the audience feel for her loss and root for her journey ahead.

Through that journey, she learns how to fight back. She faces her demons, she even faces the Alien Queen herself. She kicks her ass and saves Newt and by the end of that movie I left that cinema feeling uplifted and totally entertained.

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

Following that, any sequel including Sigourney Weaver would have been pointless. Ripleys character was done. End of story.

If anything, she wakes up safe and sound, six months later back at that Earth space station, fresh and breezy and despite another tiresome inquiry and debrief, she & Hicks get a flat together and live out their lives a happy couple, looking after Newt, while Bishop probably becomes their butler or something. Who knows, even Jonesy the cat, is the family pet.

Wouldn't that have been nice?

Meanwhile let someone else take on the pesky Aliens. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or Dolph Lungren. Or even Yaphet Koto playing Parkers twin brother, a military grunt looking for pay-back. And maybe said grunts phone Ripley up occasionally for advice on Xenomorph pest control.

But nope. Alien 3 literally undid Cameron's Aliens by executive order. Fuck happy endings.

NEW HOUSE, NEW RULES

Its the same I guess when you acquire a new house. You want to re-decorate. And in a way, thats how directors approach movies. They want to infuse their individual stamp on it. Sometimes for the better (as in Jim Cameron with Aliens) but more often for the worse.

I guess thats what happens when no two directors stick with a franchise. Just look at the Friday the 13th Movies. Some are pretty good but invariably an uneven patchwork of a series. But thats just the nature of film making. Make a good a film, become sick to death with it and move onto the next project.

LEGACY CLAUSE

From a legal standpoint, there should be a "legacy-clause" put in place, so that subsequent film makers cant just piss all over previous instalments unless said previous instalment sucked in the first place. So no killing off previous characters should be top of that list.

The Mummy sequels of the 1950s killed off everyone from the previous movies, wether we liked them or not.

It becomes less about preserving a happy ending and more about bums on seats.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good sequel. Its just the whole killing off previous characters I have a problem with. Particularly when as a viewer, one becomes invested in the characters, rooting for their salvation against impossible odds.

And when I first saw Alien 3 at the cinema, I was so depressed to discover Newt & Hicks had been killed off.

And Bishop just ends up on a junk heap. Fucksake.

What a shitty way to treat those characters. But thats Hollywood folks.

ROCKY IV

THE FORGOTTEN MESSAGE OF 

ROCKY IV 

Don't you just hate it when some Gen-Beta + kid rocks up and totally disses your childhood memories? 

So I came across this "Writing Coach" Brandon McNulty on You Tube with his 134K subscription list, dishing out advice on "Bad Monologues vs Good Monologues"

This featured various speeches in famous Tv and Film, among them was the Rocky Speech in Rocky IV: 

During this "fight", I've seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you. In here, there were two guys killing each other, but I guess that's better than twenty million. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!

Come on, thats a great speech! You'd have to be some kinda robot to let that speech not get to you. And lets face it, most Russians had had it with the KG used to B. 

McNulty of course dismissed it as 'bad monologue' because it lacked realism but then praises a dwarf's speech in Game of Thrones because, well he's a dwarf. 

But then I forget no Gen-Beta + kid gives a shit about what I think. 

And alas it seems the older one gets, the less meaning yesterdays teachings have. And there lies the danger. 

Everything is a 'Dad Joke' these days. Something your Dad used to say that you never got. By default if you are old, you have no validity. Your words mean nothing. You have become nothing. 

That is what todays young people are being brain-washed into and Brandon McNulty seems to be living in a bubble, pandering to the Gen-Beta + kids who don't know any better. 

And ok, I admit that Rocky IV  is not the greatest movie ever made by any standard and on the face of it, the movie seems to entail two oversized muscle-bound-alpha-pricks cracking the hell out of one another. 

But if you actually watch the movie, you might get some context of what this film is about? 

Unfortunately no Gen-Beta + kid is ever gonna get that, unless they have a pretty good understanding of the movies context and what it was like to live under the threat of nuclear destruction. 

So to put things in context: when Rocky IV was made, our world was on the brink of NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION ?? What did Game of Thrones ever do??

Rocky IV "spent a total of six weeks as the number one film at the US box office, staying on top through the Christmas and New Years period, and grossed a total of $127.8 million in United States and Canada, and $300 million worldwide, the most of any Rocky film. It was the highest-grossing sports film of all time" (wiki).

Also when Rocky did that speech, Gorbachev was the new Premier of the USSR. Things were changing. The threat of nuclear destruction was still prevalent but Reagan had secured summit meetings with Gorbachev for nuclear disarmament. A lot of people breathed a huge sigh of relief.

So that Rocky speech y'all dissing here may seem like cheese pants today but its films like this that helped to ease relations between the two super-powers.

Otherwise we'd all be nuclear mutations scavenging around a wasteland by now, suckin on rocks...

just sayin.

BABY REINDEER: THE FUTURE OF TELEVISION?

BABY REINDEER: 

THE FUTURE OF TELEVISION? 

For those living under a rock, the Tv series Baby Reindeer became an instant television hit, resonating with one and all, who have ever experienced stalkers or the dark side of the entertainment industry.

A plot that entails a hapless stand-up comedian (Richard Gadd) and his turbulent journey to success, while trying to cope with a full-time stalker called Martha, who threatens that success.

What made the story even more intriguing was that it is ‘based on a true story’ of Richard Gadd’s struggle to succeed, whilst being harassed by a real life Martha.

And the press where quick to find out who that Martha really was. 58 year old Fiona Muir-Harvey has since denied the allegations against her, including stalking and sexual abuse.

Lately she appeared on Piers Morgan Uncensored and has sued Netflix for anything between $55 and $170million for defamation, negligence and violation of privacy. A case she might actually win.

Imagine Gadd rolling out of bed that morning, turning on the TV, only to see his arch-nemeses Fiona Muir-Harvey on television basically ruining his reputation and success, yet again. 

You couldn’t make it up. And that’s the thing. Life mirroring art and vice versa.

If she wins this case, it could not only effect Netflix and Gadds working relationship, but on how we approach drama as entertainment.

All this is going to have a knock-on effect on story telling. It could potentially make it impossible for writers to draw from their own experiences because Tv networks will cite the Martha Case and say no can do.

This could also mean that writers will have to be exceptionally metaphorical in their approach to the medium. 

One can no longer just write about childhood trauma and having that played out with actors. What if the relatives of Nazi criminals jump on this band-wagon and start suing holocaust survivors for defamation of character? 

We could be looking at a whole new sub-genre of coding, as hard issues are dumbed down to child-like innuendo, just to avoid another law suit. Or just ignored completely in favour of yet more Super Hero movies or other remakes.

That said, if Fiona Muir-Harvey loses this case, then I imagine Gadds follow up sequels to Baby Reindeer will reflect that. A sort of echo-chamber if you will: actors playing actors, Gadd recapping on the whole law-suit affair and overcoming the odds etc.

It could also mean the flood gates opening to a whole new genre of hyper-realism, a mish-mash of reality and fiction. Where reality, drama and reality Tv collide. 

One could ask does the real Fiona Muir-Harvey actually exist? Or is she an actor, just like her on-screen doppelgänger? Is this all just marketing?  

On that note, are we all to become doppelgängers in someone else's televised life story? 

In any event, it will be interesting to see how all this pans out. 

Stay Tuned.

 

DOLLYS BRACES ? 
THE MANDELA EFFECT !

There seems to be a major confusion over whether Blanche Ravalec's character Dolly actually ever wore braces in the original cinematic version of Moonraker or not. 

Yet no evidence of this exists, not on video or Dvd releases. Nevertheless, there are some out there in the internet world, who still remember the theatrical release, who insist that this was the case, despite Blanche Ravalec stating that she never did. 

Regardless of this, forums have cropped up all over the internet in the last few years with numerous individuals concurring that Dolly did in fact have Braces. 

And if you think about it, the scene where they first meet would certainly made more sense (and would have had tons more impact) if she did have braces: and playing back the scene in my own mind where they first meet, Jaws smiles first, revealing those glinting metal chops, then she smiles back with glinting braces but wait ! They're gone! WTF? Could this be the Mandela Effect?

The Mandela effect is supposed to be us remembering traces of alternate time lines, such as certain historical facts being altered (the idea that Nelson Mandela died in prison instead of becoming president) or famous logos like the VW sign that differ today to how we remember them, the changes are usually subtle but enough to make you stop and wonder...
Of course there could be
another reason: 

CENSORSHIP
That's right. Moonraker made tons of money for all concerned and in an age of ever growing paranoia stemming from terrorism and heavily funded witch-hunts over pedophilia, we've seen em bringing down the likes of Jimmy Saville,  Rolf Harris and various top brass at the BBC. 

So its a no brainier that the scene with Dolly and Jaws can only be twisted out of all context, into something conveniently suitable for yet another lawsuit.  

Just look at what happened to Micheal Jackson, yes he was a weirdo but there was not a shred of proof he fiddled those kids and yet he was bled dry in lawsuits.

And when it comes to a very large male hooking up with a very small young girl in pigtails and braces, this is all way too much for today's molly-coddled nanny state, ever too weary to punch the lawsuit button at any given opportunity. 

So it is quite possible that, at some point in the last few years, nervous executives trying to save the dwindling popularity of this movie, most likely had these scenes with Dolly digitally 'altered' for VHS, DVD releases, and later with Blu Ray. 

So roll on 1984. If anything the idea that our history is being erased is not far from the truth, but it is more to do with avoiding (and creating) law suites on a infinite monopoly board, set up by the rich to govern the poor.

ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES -Plot Holes

Filling those plot holes:  

ESCAPE FROM THE 

PLANET OF THE APES 

A Tale of Two Space Crafts. 

Im a big fan of the original Planet of the Apes franchise, particularly part three called 'Escape from the Planet of the Apes', which is one of the best sequels. 

But the rhetoric for how Dr Milo, Zira and Cornelius escaped planet Earths destruction was always a bit fuzzy. 

We get a brief info dump explaining how their pal Dr Milo salvaged Taylors craft (The Icarus) and somehow understood its workings. 

But its still a bit of a stretch. Because up until now, all we've been told about Ape culture is that their technological culture isn't much more advanced than our 16th century Earth with a few nods to the 19th. 

Still, why  let a massive plot hole get in the way of a good franchise? 

So heres my take on all this flaff. 

I guess this is an untold tale about two space crafts, Brents and Taylors, called Liberty 2 and The Icarus. 

Plus Dr. Milo's character is based very much on Leonardo da Vinci and thus a genius.

Just like Cornelius, Milo is a researcher of Apes origins, he's hooked on the idea of an ancient race more advanced than theirs. 

Maybe he's spent years in the Forbidden Zone, studying mans ancient cities and technologies. Maybe some of this stuff still worked and he learned how to use it. Maybe he made human allies there who taught him of mans ingenuity.  

But fearing he would be accused of heresy by the apes, kept quiet about it. 

His biggest find so far however, is Brent's broken space craft, the Liberty 2, laying out in the desert but kept it under wraps in case he got 'disappeared' by Dr Zeus's goon squad. 

Brents ship Liberty 2. 

But then he hears about Cornilius and Zira's 'talking man' and reaches out to them. 

Milo admits he has found a wreck in the desert and shows them photographs. 

They tell him about Brent and Taylor and of Taylors space ship, in the dead lake, that is probably still intact.

And since all three are pursuers of the truth they organise a salvage team, with the idea of putting an end to Dr Zeus's tyranny and clearing their names once and for all.  

The salvage team might have consisted of humans Milo made allies with in the Forbidden Zone and apes of the science caste. 

The time frame for all this suggests this entire operation took place in a matter of weeks.

They raise the Icarus from the lake using inflatables and the desert heat dries it out, which meant it is essentially fully operational again.

And with his notes collected from Brent's ship (and his experiences in the Forbidden Zone), Dr Milo has a basic understanding of how to the Icarus works. 

The only remaining issue was probably the missing hatch, blown off when Taylors crew evacuated the Icarus. Either they found it at the bottom of the lake or used the one off Liberty 2.

Amid its vast array of controls, Milo discovers the "automatic return" button. He has a suspicion this button will do most of the ships thinking for him. 

All he has to do now is strap-in and press it.

Finally the ship is ready to go. All they need now is the courage to test it. 

By this point war has already broken out. All able bodied apes are required to join the troops marching into the Forbidden Zone. 

Taylors ship The Icarus 

Maybe some soldier apes discover Milos group and in the ensuing shoot out, Milo, Zira and Cornelius clamber aboard the Icarus. Dr Milo presses the 

"automatic return" button and the ship takes off into orbit. 

A few moments of brief awe behold them, as they see the Earth from space. Then horror as the planet suddenly lights up in a blaze of light and is destroyed.

Meanwhile the Icarus flight plan sends it back into the time eddies (which I guess surround the solar system in these movies) that sent Taylor and Brent's ships into the future in the first place. 

A few moments later, they see the Earth again intact, by which point the automatic guidance system lands the ship in the pacific coast 1973.  

The rest is history.   

Take it or leave it. Thats my take on how to fill a massive plot hole. 

Or just read “Conspiracy of the Planet of the Apes” by Andrew Gaska.

Which I only found out about five minutes after writing all this. 

DR WHOS GOLDEN GOOSE: THE DALEKS

DR WHO'S GOLDEN GOOSE: 

THE DALEKS 

Isn’t there some saying about killing gooses laying golden eggs? Take the Daleks of Dr Who, for instance.

Dr Who’s bread and butter was the Daleks. It’s a fact. Without them, there would be no Dr Who. But a combination of red-tape, apathy and Spike Milligan, had reduced them to a laughing stock, that caused the series to be cancelled for 15 years. And here’s why.

PAKISTANI DALEKS

The problem stemmed from Spike Milligan making the Daleks the butt of all jokes. Something Dalek creator Terry Nation tried very hard to avoid but was hampered by BBC interference.

Milligan used a genesis Dalek for his Pakistani Dalek sketch in 1975 and likely without Nations consent. But since the BBC owned half the Dalek rights, there was little he could do about it. 

This seemed to have a knock-on effect on future Dalek appearances. By 1979 they were no longer taken seriously.

Several years before Terry Nation had attempted to make the Daleks super-international commodities across the pond, with the idea of launching the Daleks into their own Tv series and get the Americans on board.

But again he was hampered by archaic BBC rules and regulations. Convoluted red-tape meant that the BBC wouldn't release the Daleks from contract.

Yet Spike Milligan could do with them as he pleased.

DOUGLAS ADAMS

Throughout the 1970s, the Daleks were already being reduced to mere dustbins on wheels. And nobody seemed to give a shit.

Destiny of the Daleks is a notable turning point, which gave way to sloppy Daleks throughout the 1980s. Watch any 80s Dalek story and they just looked terrible. Lit badly, shot badly and generally shoddy in appearance due to disrepair. Plus the operators seemed half-asleep.

Gone were the heady days of Dalek Operators such as Robert Jewell, a veteran of the Dalek movies, when Dalekmania was at its zenith.

By the time Destiny Of the Daleks rolled along, Nation was pre-occupied with other projects and showed little interest in Dr Who. 

He submitted a rough unfinished script to the BBC and washed his hands of the affair, leaving it all up to Douglas Adams, who used the opportunity to ‘re-invent’ the Daleks as comical robots. However this idea backfired.

Subsequently, a whole new generation thought Daleks were just machines, only adding to the parody they had become. Overall, the Daleks became stereotypes of themselves.

Not dissing Douglas Adams. He did a great job of Terry Nations story but his comical approach to the Daleks was the shows biggest blunder.

UNPOPULAR WITH ACTORS

Most actors hated working with them, in particular John Pertwee and Peter Davidson. I once trundled up to a red-faced Colin Baker in a Dalek at a Comic Con, where he told me to Bog Off! Peter Davidson was even worse.

Ironic since their entire success was purely because of the Daleks. Without them, there would be no autographs for them to sign.

STEADY DECLINE

Without serious attention paid to the Daleks, Dr Who took a steady decline in the 1980s. Yet nobody considered fixing the problem. Instead, the producers and stars of the show figured celebrity status over Daleks was more important.

In their final screen outing, Remembrance of the Daleks, the Daleks were so so utterly banal, that it made Destiny seem like a blockbuster by comparison.

By now Dr Who was sinking into the abyss and nothing could save it. Not even the Daleks.

By 1989, the decision was finally made to pull the plug. Dr Who was finished.

SHORT SIGHTEDNESS

Being a children's program, there wasn't much call for attention for detail, (at least as far as Daleks were concerned) as these stories were never intended to be televised again.

Typical BBC policy meant a large bulk of early Dr Who stories were actually taped over with Gardeners World. 

Nobody felt that these stories had artistuc value or should be preserved. 

Nor did they think anyone might want to buy a copy of Dr Who episodes on VHS or DVD. 

And no one would have imagined that by the 21st Century, the Daleks would regain stardom after Russell T Davis’s reboot or that Daleks would appear at the Royal Albert Hall.

CONCLUSION

Always look after them geese laying golden eggs.