STAIR WARS

 

In which we look at why Daleks are so afraid of stairs... 

For the post millennial generation, used to swarms of Daleks flying across their screens, the idea of a Dalek being stumped by a mere set of stairs might seem ludicrous. 

It might be lost on you, why your grandad makes jokes about Daleks stuck at the foot of a stair case. You might have even seen cartoons of Daleks confronted by said stair cases and pondered on the mystery.  

Whats the big deal? They can just fly over them right? 

...Right ?? 

The idea that they might not, could be unsettling. You put it to the back of your mind. 

Then one day you're at the local Comic Con, and you see an old bloke, dressed as a flight of stairs, chasing young girls in Dalek dresses. They are clearly in distress. 

In an bold act of chivalry, you confront said Staircase Dude,  in your cardboard Dalek costume but he merely laughs and deliberately crashes into you.  

You break your sink plunger.  

Humiliated, you go home and regard your flight of stairs. You ponder on how on Earth a bunch of steps could defeat the greatest Empire in the universe. 

The mystery of it eats away at you, keeps you awake at night. 

Soon you cant concentrate. All you can think about is that Daleks can be defeated by stairs. 

Every time you hear the stairs creak, it fills you with a sense of fear, even dread. 

Well fear no more.

I am here to arm you with knowledge...

TROLLEYS 

Thanks to Tv producer Russell T Davis, the Daleks have wowed kids of the past two decades, but few are aware of their old forgotten enemies: The Stairs.

So what’s all this flap about Daleks and Stairs anyway?

Two words. Caster wheels. Those little spinny wheels you have on your gamers chair? The same things they have on supermarket trolleys? 

At some point in my inebriated youth, I was probably pushed home late at night in a Tesco Trolley. I’m sure we’ve all been there. Which might explain why many a council estate, has seen its fair share of rogue trolleys, left lying about.

But have you ever tried pushing a trolley up a flight of stairs? I guess not. Hence the invention of ramps and lifts. Civilisation owes itself to the humble caster wheel. Much to the annoyance of all stairs.

So what has any of this have to do with Daleks? Well, when they weren’t flying around and conquering the universe, the actual props were little less than glorified trolleys, that required caster wheels to move them about the Tv studios. Usually they had one caster at the front and two at the back. The operator would sit inside and push said Dalek along with his feet. Of course this meant The Stairs would become the natural enemies of all Daleks.

Thus the Stair Wars began.

And it all happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….

DALEK MANIA

Back in the day, or rather the 1960s, The Daleks were so popular that they became more famous than Santa Clause. Their iconic design celebrated, as their allure stoked the public imagination.

Dalek merchandise went into overdrive. 

The phenomena was called "Dalek Mania". 

"Dalek" became the magic word. 

With no copyright laws put in place, an entrepreneur could simply label any old junk as a 'Dalek Whatnot' and make millions. 

Thus you could buy Dalek toys, Dalek comics, Dalek guns, Dalek play suits, Dalek socks etc.

If that wasn’t enough they hit the big screen. Actual movies were made. Daleks invaded cinemas up and down the country in two big budget action adventures starring Peter Cushing as Dr Who. 

More importantly, they were in colour. This in itself was a big deal, since up until then, the nation had only ever seen The Daleks in black and white on large bulky television sets, primitive compared to the modern day flat screens we now use.

They even went on tour across the world. The Daleks seemed invincible. Nothing could stop them. 

All the while, The Stairs stewed. Jealous of the Daleks infamy. 

Something had to be done... 

ACHILLES HEAL

So they exposed the Daleks,  Achilles Heel. 

A weakness, so insidious that only an architect with no experience of working with the disabled, could have thought of it.

Thus it was quickly pointed out that the Daleks couldn't actually climb stairs. 

This became a re-occurring joke with actors working with them. 

I mean, the Daleks were impervious to bullets, flame throwers etc. They had conquered countless worlds including our very own. 

But when it came to a flight of stairs, the game was up. And henceforth the Dalek Empire fell flat on its face.

In fact, due to said caster wheels, the actual props couldn't run over anything more formidable than a completely flat studio floor. Even on a rough surface, such as a carpark, any small stones or culverts revealed their true weaknesses in spades.

It was likely a small bone of contention for Dalek Designer Ray Cusick, stating in one interview that whenever they took them outside, on a pavement they rattled, like an old biscuit tin. 

The problem was somewhat later addressed by installing tricycles, to improve their manoeuvrability on location. Dolly tracks or wooden boards, were also employed to allow them to traverse rock quarries and sandy beaches. 

Such techniques were hidden from the general public. Children everywhere relished in their fear of Daleks being able to conquer all. If there was any suggestion that Daleks weren't all powerful, it could ruin the illusion. 

More than that, it could scupper the entire Tv series. 

But the truth couldn't be withheld forever. 

Expecting a Dalek to climb stairs, was like expecting a bloke in a wheel chair, to climb the steps to the DWP office. And so the jokes got more frequent in the tabloids. Until Daleks became synonymous with stairs.  

But that was all soon to change. 

FIRST DALEK TO CLIMB STAIRS

By the end of the 80s, the final Dalek episode (Revelation of the Daleks) had a Dalek unspectacularly hovering up a flight of stairs, much to the bemusement of older fans, now weary of Dr Who. 

It might have been a mile stone in Dalek lore, but by that point nobody really cared. The damage was done. Dr Who had become dated beyond embarrassment, catering to five year olds and neglecting the family unit ethos, that had once made it a household name. 

The show was now all about hammy actors, wobbly sets and crappy special effects. While on the other channel, you could watch the spectacular Battle Star Galactica, which used the same VFX crew that made Star Wars.

The acting was still hammy but at least The Cylons could climb stairs. 

It was no contest. 

And so Daleks were old news, consigned to the dustbin of Tv history. 

Subsequently, flights of stairs across all England united at Stair Conventions, and toasted their final victory with glee, laughing out loud, like so many cliché Dr Who megalomaniacs.

With the original series finally axed, no re-runs of this incident occurred. If you said you saw that Dalek climbing a staircase, you were dismissed as a freak. 

Thus the first Dalek to climb a staircase, fell into legend. Soon it was all forgotten, as non believers switched over to The A-Team. 

But The Daleks were not quite finished. Oh no ...

FLYING DALEKS

By the power of VHS, said non-believers could finally see said Dalek climb said stairs . 

Twenty years later, Russell T Davis re-instated the Daleks invincibility by having them defeat the stairs once and for all. With the shows triumphant return in 2004, we had our first glimpse of a Dalek levitating up a flight of steps once more.

Davis gave Dr Who a complete make over. Gone were the hammy actors, wobbly sets and crappy special effects. Now it had state of the art CGI. And the series suddenly became respectable again. And The Daleks with it.

Soon they were not only climbing stairs, but hovering over Manhattan, or swarming like locusts above London. Dalek battles soon made Battle Star Galactica and Star Wars look quaint. 

Davis drew inspiration, heavily on the Daleks of old. Particularly the Tv 21 Comics, that depicted the Daleks flying, using flying vehicles called 

Hover-bouts .

Soon the Daleks were Kings once more. The most feared creatures in all the universe.

This was a tremendous blow for all stair cases, smug in their confidence. Soon all staircases became alcoholics and had to attend AA meetings on a regular basis.

LEGACY

Years on, the old stairs joke still lingers, like a bad smell in the toilets at a Comic Con. 

However, like the end of 28 Days Later, most of these Dad Jokes can be found languishing by the side of a country road, dying a slow painful death.

In any event, it’s now become a redundant phrase, reserved mostly for surviving Stair Sympathisers, who still cling onto the hope that one day the Stairs will strike back.

Today anyone can own a Real Dalek. And the reality that they cannot actually fly has probably sunk in at some point, particularly when they have to lug them about various Comic Cons.

And on occasion I spot such Daleks, bearing fresh scratch marks and scuffs. Even dents.  

And I wonder, are such people under the influence of The Stairs? Do they throw these Daleks down the odd flight or two, screaming Fly dammit Fly!

Should the RSPCD* get involved?

I hope not.

* Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Daleks