2001: A Space Odyssey

 

Remembering

2001: A Space Odyssey

I think I must have first seen this film on late night TV when I was like 7 years old. Compared to Star Wars it was dreadfully sssslow and the plot felt confusing and discordant.

But wait - isn't that Leonard Rossiter straight out of Rising Damp?

So I stuck with it, even tho the ending made no sense.

Years later at School our English teacher showed the film to our class, none of which had seen it before or understood it. So at least I had one up on them.

I can say that with confidence because those kids had never watched a sci-fi film in their lives. You could tell just by looking at their gaping mouths and confused looks. Like their mothers had just turned up dressed as sexy Jabba Slave girls.

Up until that point it was all about foot ball, football and more football. I was like the class geek because I knew all about this movie.

So we're deep in The Dawn of Man and we finally get to the Monolith scene and all the monkeys are freaking out to the discordant polyphonic sounds of Ligeti's 'Requiem' .

The class are horrified.

'Whats that funny singing all about miss?' Asks one snotty nose kid. Good point. What is all that singing about? I kind of know the answer already but I cant articulate it.

'Its to show the monoliths power' explains the teacher. Though I don't think that blew anyones mind. Would any of these kids grow up to be movie directors or composers? Fuck no. Most these kids will be kids will be mothers and fathers by the time they are 21.

Watching it now as an adult, its still dreadfully sssslow and the plot still feels confusing and discordant.

But as a film maker I get all that. And now I've come to love its idiosyncrasies.

However one cant watch this film in a vacuum. Reading various articles over the years has helped me understand this movie a whole lot better. But still, a few self explanatory scenes wouldnt have gone a miss surely. It bothered me when I was seven and it still bothers me now.

Like a quick shot of Daves pod entering the Star Gate thing.

Something like this :

After deactivating the Hal 9000, Dave discovers the mission directives.

He takes a pod out to investigate the giant monolith floating over Jupiter...

As Dave fly's over the monoliths surface, his pod becomes engulfed in arcing electricity and is pulled towards it.

Dave is somewhat concerned about all this.

The pod is pulled thru the star gate.

And there's nothin Dave can do about it.

It is quite likely that a lot of these scenes were never filmed or cut out. Or that they simply ran out of money and time and just had scrabble together what they had. I guess a lot of the ending was improvised with heavy editing.

Who knows.

The point is I was seven and largely understood the bulk of the movie but the ending kinda went off the rails due to a lack of quick A to B scenes. Had they just spent a little more time on these, the movie might have grabbed more laymen into the fold, rather than the higher echelons of movie academia.

But thats cinema folks.

Oppenheimer - review

 

Big Fat Dud ?

OPPENHEIMER 

AKA 

YAP-FEST 23

A little less talk and a little more action

My opinions will probably get me a stoning offence. But as a frustrated film maker, I look at such movies and just wish I could steer them in the right direction. But never mind. Here goes. 

Ask anyone, I hate giving bad reviews. Not that anyone cares. I hate critics that slam movies for being a breed apart, for going that extra mile, for being different. However Oppenheimer is not that movie. 

I couldn't believe I was actually duped by the idea that this film could be something worth my time. Afterall, an all star cast lead by the robust Cillian Murphy, Robert Downy Junior and Matt Damon, what could possibly go wrong? 

Well plenty it seems. And like the Emperors New Clothes, I suspect most critics will praise it for all sorts of academic reasons. 

But it simply didn't grab my attention. And heres why. 

TOO MUCH YAPPING. 

Don't get me wrong. I like a dialogue heavy film as much as the next movie buff. But sometimes you just want to be wowed by some gratuitous sex and a big explosion. And on the face of it, this movie has all that to offer. Altho, those sex scenes are kinda ruined by all that yapping. 

Put it this way, if you like nothing more than talking heads for three hours then this is your movie. Because that is pretty much what you'll get. 

LOUD YAPPING. Quiet Yapping. Frenzied Yapping. YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH type yapping. But as the audience, we're not really connecting with any of this. Oppenheimer yaps to this guy, then it cuts to Oppenheimer yapping to that guy. Then it cuts to Oppenheimer yapping with some girl. Then it cuts to Oppenheimer having sex with said girl and they're still yapping. Yap-yap-yap.  Jeeze. Get to the friken bomb already. 

And that is essentially this movie. Just a series of talking heads cut from one scene to another. And nothing much in between. Anything of interest (like showing us the bomb being built) is all quickly mulled over because Oppenheimer is suddenly at the centre of some McCarthy-ish witch hunt.  

And who's this movies primary audience anyway? Nuclear Physicists? Academics? Because it feels like a film that excludes a lot of useful exposition in favour of just getting to those talking heads. Of which this movie has in abundance. Literally. Its all Cinéma vérité American Style, cerebral, yap-yap-yap. Thats what movies have come to these days. I guess.  

TOO MANY CHARACTERS 

And who the hell are all these people anyways? There's just too many side characters. None of which are really given any real validity. Its like this movie has no focus. 

That said, Robert Downy Junior ingeniously plays the bad guy Strauss,  hell bent on taking  Oppenheimer down. But its all done in such a elongated fashion, with so much happening in between, that his intentions are seldom noticed by us, the audience until way too late. 

Its not like theres any mystery to Strauss. Its just not made clear either way why he hates Oppenheimer because every scene in this movie is riddled with too many characters who all want to be centre stage.

Even the goddam secretary wants her 15 minutes. By which point we've forgotten all about ole' Strauss and his evil plot to undermine Oppenheimer. 

Put it another way. In the Mozart film Amadeus, its perfectly obvious that Mozarts foil, the enigmatic Antonio Salieri (played by F Murry Abraham) is out to get him. A trick that Oppenheimer seems to have missed. 

Even with JFK (which also had a hell of a lot of side characters milling about), one could still keep up with the plot. 

RUNS LIKE A TRAILER 

If you've seen the trailer, you might think wow this movie looks awsum!  That is until you actually watch it and you realise that the entire movie is essentially edited just like said trailer. You could say it is a three hour long trailer. The longest movie trailer ever made. 

You know like when you watch movie trailers, theres those talking heads (again), and one guy says something profound to the other guy. Like:  'We gotta do this thing first before the Nazis do.'  

Then it cuts to something intense. A sex scene, a fight scene, whatever.  Shit like that. This is Oppenheimer in its entirety. 

But I guess thats Nolans approach to film making. It kinda worked with his Batman movies but as a serious bi-op based on real events, I think we as the audience need a more linear approach. 

NO BOMB

For a movie that is all about building the worlds first ever atomic bomb, very little interest is directed upon showing the actual bomb itself. Its all Oppenheimer. Hence the title. At least with similar war movies such as The Imitation Game that covers the life of code-breaker Alan Turing, we get a sense of the protagonist grappling with the technology, plugging things in, trying to get his machine to work. 

But Oppenheimer is pretty much Oppenheimer and very little else. 

A few shots of technicians building the bomb might have gone down nicely.  Surely thats a whole five minutes of tension? Handling those radio active blocks, like a deadly game of Tetris? 

But no. And I'm left there thinking,  Wheres the scenes of nervous tech guys covered in sweat, slowly, carefully putting the 'Demon Core'  together?  Despite later claiming the lives of two physicists, at no point is this ever mentioned or even alluded to. 

But we do get marbles. For every ounce of Uranium-235 that is mined and refined, Oppenheimer drops the equivalent of a marble into a large goldfish bowel. Its a neat way to illustrate the hassle to mine this stuff and it really works but the fact that we're kinda lacking the whole building the bomb thing, leaves the audience hanging. 

Nor are the stakes really justified. We get a couple of scenes with nervous scientists and Einstein, here and there and a brief run down by Oppenheimer to the General, that the bomb could possibly set the atmosphere on fire but never mind. 

DUD CLIMAX 

But worst of all is the actual bomb test itself. 

We've all been gearing up to this one moment kids, for a good two and half hours. 

I'm sitting there thinking, this better knock my fucking socks off. I mean its the worlds first ever test of an atomic bomb right? Which could potentially wipe out our entire planet and then some. It better be good.  

So they do the count down. A tech guy presses a big red button. And then pffffff.  Jesus what a dud. 

The screen is filled with a fireball. No sound. Its all for the sake of art of course, for dramatic effect. Like those moments you see in war movies when the chips are down and the bad guys are closing in. 

Like the end of I am Legend. Will Smith is trapped behind a glass door. The king of the infected football yobs is doing his dammdest to head-but his way inside. 

They always cut the sound.  You have to imagine the horror for yourself. I get it. Theres probably some movie term for it. Like 'neo-realist-interplay'.  Who knows.  Answers on a post card please. 

So the bomb goes off. And I'm expecting some spectacular CGI effect feast. What we get is probably one of the lamest explosions ever filmed. Sure It looks real enough. Like they actually got a bunch of TNT and let it all off. In fact thats precisely what they fucking did. And it jars with the expectation. 

What should be a godly explosion, striking fear and horror into the audience, is instead a rather run-of-the-mill bang that you might expect from a studio controlled pryo-tech effect. 

And thats all it is. A small looking explosion. A fireball yes, a mushroom cloud (sorta) but not the crazy wow I should receive for being stuck here for three fucking hours. I felt cheated. 

Thank god I didn't have to pay to see this movie. At least I can spend that money now on coke & hookers afterwards to recover. 

Talking of big bangs, take Indiana And the Temple of Chrystal Skulls. Remember the A-bomb scene at the beginning?  Basically any movie with an Atomic bomb going off is better than what I had to endure with Oppenheimer. I've seen better ka-booms in the A-Team and thats saying something. 

The decision to go for a real explosion was (in my humble opinion) a mistake. Director Christopher Nolan might have thought it was a cool idea at the time but it simply doesn't work in the context of the narrative. 

Its like watching Star Wars and Lucas changing the grand finale explosion of the Death Star to something a little more 'realistic' which would likely be quite boring.  

Take Camerons Titanic movie as another example. If the boat just 'sank' like it did in all the other movies, we'd never be lauding that film up as much we have. Ask any schmuck what was the most memorable scene in that movie and they will most likely say: 'When the boat broke in half.' 

In a few years, I doubt anyone will recall that about Oppenheimer. If they remember anything about it at all. 

ALL IN ALL 

So there you have it. My two-pence on this film. Its not a turkey by any rate. But it takes for granted that the audience are all on the same page. This might keep most film critics entertained but as for yours truly, I barely made it to the end without dozing off. But thats just me I guess. 

What would I change about this movie then? Actually I would change very little bar all the yapping. What this movie really lacked was simple memorable scenes. It needed more building the bomb stuff, tension around the Demon Core and basically a humungous explosion that would have put any Spielberg movie to shame. Oh well. Maybe next time. 

ANCIENT TECH PARADOX

 

The paradoxical problem of the older the tech, the more advanced?

ANCIENT TECH PARADOX 

The above image is part of an Inca Wall in ancient city of Coricancha Temple, Cusco, Peru, South America. A so-called example of polygonal masonry and skill made by chaps with primitive hammers and chisels apparently.

And this might very well be the case. However, most of our assumptions on such things, are via a Victorian /Edwardian perspective. As are the majority of books on such discoveries.

Bearing in mind this is not a door but a alcove maybe under five feet high. Those Victorian /Edwardian books will have us all believe these alcoves were display areas, containing wooden shelves and displaying ornate statues, made of gold etc.

But why go to so much trouble to make a alcove for such a mundane thing? And the horizontal grooves or slots for shelves look decidedly wonky and completely impracticable to receive a nice level shelf.

So I would suggest an ulterior motive. But one must first consider that we are perhaps not the only society of this planet to have achieved an highly advanced technological society of swipey-wipey stuff.

Consider too, that in a mere 300 years we have harnessed electricity to the point that we can now split the atom or watch Netflix. But at no point have we ever bothered to go to all the trouble of making alcoves with such intricacy beyond say biblical architecture. Not recently at least.

Thus, its entirely possible our ancient ancestors were far more advanced than we give them credit. Something those old dusty Victorian /Edwardian books would never consider. Advanced enough that they required generators and other machinery to power buildings and establish communications with other towns.

In that respect, such an alcove as this, might have housed some sort of electrical equipment. Note the large hole, originally a rectangle window or aperture, with several blocks missing below it. Possibly this is where an extraction fan protruded to allow air circulation.

Note too that the wonky grooves are reminiscent of trunking/ 'chasing' methods used in electrical installation, where by sections of wall are 'chased' out into channels, to receive power cables. Note also the equally spaced holes that frame the alcove, as if bolts or rivets were once fitted to receive a mounting frame to hold the machine in place.

And what sort of machine was it? Likely this was a central hub of some kind, anything from a transformer to Tele-visual communication point. Who knows. If it was a machine, it was the focal point for something. Much like our present day methods of centralising technology for a particular purpose to suit the needs of a community. Maybe it was just a ATM that spat out gold inca coins, or a terminal to buy plane tickets. Shit it could have been a snack vending machine for all I know.

But the point is, this alcove was designed for something slightly more important than mere shelving for gold statues anyway.

Which is probably what it ended up being used for in later centuries. Any trace of its electrical origins whittled away over the vast passing of time. All electrical devices contain metals of value and the contents of this particular alcove would have been stripped in the latter years in the wake of some social, or economic upheaval.

Note too the damage to the blocks, as if thieves, or scrap merchants had ripped out all the guts of the machine, damaging the stone work in the process. Its component parts recycled, melted down perhaps into more primitive weaponry (such as swords) to fight some war amid tribes, who had long forgotten their ancestral (and technologically advanced) roots.

All that said. Maybe it is just a stupid alcove for display purposes after all. But who knows, in these present times of civil unrest, with our society on the brink of nuclear annihilation, maybe you'll live long enough to see your old VHS tapes mistaken for godly deities by the post-apocalyptic baby boomers of the near future ...

Piss Artists Impression

GUNS AKIMBO

 

SHOULDA SPARED NIX :

GUNS AKIMBO 

They missed a trick here. 

They killed the golden goose laying golden eggs. 

Any potential sequels down the toilet unless somehow, they can miraculously bring back Nix. 

She had charisma. A character arc. And by the end of Guns Akimbo she sacrifices herself for the greater good.  

But the movie is let down by this narrative blunder. Because she's the gel holding it all together. And any future is wiped unless she's in it. 

DIRKY - LOST IN THE DESERT

 

THE DOGS THE STAR 

DIRKY - LOST IN THE DESERT 

Bored one night, I just happened to stumble across this gem on You Tube. I wasnt even looking for pets and suddenly there it was. 

A terrible print too, scratchy, old. And the acting is so-so. But there was something about it. I had the vague inclination from the thumbnail it was going to be something like Walk About. And I suppose I stuck with it for that premise. 

And I wasn't let down. 

But the real star of this movie, hands down - is the dog, Dolly. 

And that was the last thing I expected. Shit I was more worried about Dolly than the kid for sure. 

That kid coulda died in the desert, shrivelled and dried under the desert sun. But please SPARE THE DOG. Again I was not disappointed. 

In fact there are several times in the film when Dolly the dog was in peril and I was on the edge of my fucking seat. 

THE FERMI PARADOX

 

THE FERMI PARADOX : 

ARE WE REALLY ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE ? 

The Fermi Paradox refers to nuclear physicist Enrico Fermi, who postulated that we should have been contacted by aliens by now. And yet in the vastness of our galaxy and the likely hood of alien life, we have apparently seen zilch. Ergo. We are alone. End of story. Whats on Netflix? 

But one mans humble opinion cant sway everyone right? 

ZOO HYPOTHESIS 

Carl Sagen would have lost his cool with Fermi's paradox for sure. After all, it has more plot holes in it than Swiss cheese. 

And he wasn't the only one. Russian astronautics pioneer Konstantin Tsiolkovsky,  Neil deGrasse Tyson writer Arthur C Clarke, (even Gene Roddenbury of Star Trek) to name but a few, all agreed that the most likely reason we have not been visited by ET is because of the whole Zoo Hypotheses 

They're just waiting patiently for us to put our pointy sticks and hatreds aside. Only when mankind has learned to love one another will they decide to make contact. Or something like that. But that could take thousands of years. Or never. 

Also, we need to prove we can travel faster than light. Just like in Star Trek, the aliens might consider us beneath them if we haven't quite cracked interstellar travel. And only at that point will they possibly step in and guide us among the stars. 

Alternately they might just observe us from afar and single out certain individuals or governments when they felt the time was right. 

THEY'RE EXPERIMENTING ON US 

Former MIT Haystack Observatory scientist John Allen Ball went one step further and speculated on a laboratory hypotheses, where the aliens are using us as guinea-pigs to their own devious ends, treating the whole planet as a giant vivarium for study and experimentation. 

There seems to be a lot of traction with this thought, considering the amount of so called alien abductions that have occurred over the years. In which average everyday folk stated aliens had taken them to their space ships and probed them in every conceivable orifice. 

THEY JUST HAVEN'T NOTICED US YET 

It is quite possible that our Galaxy is teaming with intelligent life but being so utterly vast, it could be that any major governing aliens simply haven't seen us. Thus we're just a twinkle in the night sky and simply overlooked. 

After all, Space is big. I mean really big. Its also REALLY DARK. At best, we're just a blinking light in the sky to them and by the time our planet comes into view, it might already be hidden in the darkness of our own night time. 

If anything, the major space players would have mapped out our galaxy with only so much accuracy and probably only bother with other space-faring civilisations on an equal par with their own. 

JUST NOT WORTH THE SPACE FUEL 

They might just consider our star system pretty scarce of life anyway. I mean, at a glance, our sun has ten or so planets, which to them might be so much fuzz around a light bulb, shot out of a cannon and really worth investigating. 

Even if they do suspect our existence,  if you've seen one bi-ped, then you've seem them all. I mean, do you jump out of your car every time you see a fox or a squirrel? 

Plus the amount of fuel just to come check us out, might be pricey. Even if they have conquered interstellar travel, they'd have to be pretty desperate to come check us out in the back waters of the Milky Way suburbs. 

GOVERNMENT COVER-UP

A recent inquest into the UFO phenomenon descended into more bickering and scepticism. Simply because no hard evidence has surfaced, fuelling believers that governments are actually covering up the facts about extra-terrestrial life. 

And even if we have made first contact, our ruling governments would never admit it, because that would take away their power right? 

They would wana keep it all hush, to maintain the edge on new technologies and trade. Otherwise we'd all be investing heavily in space-tech and trading with other worlds. Think about it. The super powers would implode. 

A NEW ERA OF INTER-GALACTIC TRADE

The minute news broke of any country making First Contact, it would change EVERYTHING.  

Folks would be like: "Why the fuck am I stuck on this dumb ball? When I could be drinking Pina Coladas on some other exotic (and warm) planet, where they don't bomb the shit out of each other every day?"  

Screw Elon Musk. Competing companies would begin hiring any and EVERYONE, if it meant accessible trade with another world. What corporation wouldn't, once communication with other worlds had been established. After all, everyone wants something right? Even Aliens. 

You'd see a boom in the most unlikely places. Imagine McDonalds investing in the space program? Just to sell McDonalds Cheeseburgers to other worlds? 

The aliens might be partial to dog food. Imagine the boom in trade! They might love Kittens as pets or collect Antique furniture. Imagine intergalactic carboot sales.  

On a more darker note, they might be sex-obsessed maniacs wanting our women and children. Worst still, they might even take over the Earth.  But thems the breaks. After all. The aliens cant be much worse than our own race. To say we have lived without death and atrocity denies the reality that aliens might be just as bad (or good) as us. 

FEAR OF INVASION 

Writer HG Wells explored the possibility of alien invasion in his 1898 Novel The War Of the Worlds in which invading Martians land in England and quickly overpower us with heat rays, alien mustard gas and bio-mechanoid tripod war machines. 

But Wells saw it not so much as a cautionary tale of alien interference but more of a lesson in British Colonialism, under which a great portion of our world had succumbed to and not necessarily enjoyed the fruits of either. 

His invading Martians were a metaphor for colonial greed and his book, a finger wagging exercise on how would you like it done to you? 

After all, between 1578 and 1945, the British Empire had subjugated much of planet Earth. That might sound like a sci-fi novel in itself but it was true. 

This of course lead to countless wars, slavery and endless religious debacle. In the wake of the Second World War and the Axis Powers defeated, the USA emerged top dog and took on the mantle of a world dominant super power, second only to Russia. But since then, the legacy of colonialism and endless war has left its indelible mark on our world.  

WE'RE JUST TOO VIOLENT, SORRY  

Our list of atrocities reads like a 1980's phone book. Any intelligent peace-loving alien with access to our internet would give us a pass. 

The situation within the present Israeli–Palestinian conflict, coupled with the war in the Ukraine could quite easily spill us over into yet another world war. And in a nutshell, behind all the mysticism, false gods and spin, these hostilities stem from simple greed, for more land and resources. 

So, looking at this pale blue dot from afar, using technologies greater than our own, I think ole ET would give us a wide berth. 

Either way, we're way too dangerous to be considered 'civilised' by intelligent space faring aliens. Imagine Hamas (or any us) getting hold of advanced alien weapons? Its bad enough that we have nukes.

WE'RE JUST ASSHOLES 

Thus considering we're barely out of the stone age, verging on World War III, how would any sane alien tackle the whole First Contact thing anyway? Land and say hi? No way! They'd be avoiding us, like a dodgy part of town, where theres lots of crime. 

And who's to say they didn't land already and faced a welcoming committee straight out of a horror movie like Hostel? 

It happens all the time with back-packers right? Kids go off on a country-jaunt and end up as someones lab rat experiment. Would our governments be any different? 

Fuck these assholes. I'm outta here. 

ARE WE REALLY ALL ALONE? 

All we really know is that our governments have not been terribly forthcoming with the general public regarding UFO's and life on other planets, creating conspiracy theories on what is behind their motives.  

But if true, their reasons are as stated above, to hog information, technology and keep us all working in dumb-ass jobs 9 to 5 and 24/7. Or simply because they fear invasion.  

In any event, it boils down to two very simple outcomes. There are aliens or we are totally alone. And Im sure someone said that the possibility of either, is equally terrifying. 

THOSE DAMN ENCHILADAS: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 5

THOSE DAMN ENCHILADAS

FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5 

WHAT WENT WRONG? 

Friday the 13th Part 5: A new Beginning.  What the hell happened?  

It was like this sequel took a massive u-turn and like Halloween 3, essentially cheated the audience with smoke and mirrors by denying us the promise of the premise. 

Back in the days of VHS, my introduction to the Friday universe, was  Part 6: Jason Lives which really blew me away. Excited by the realisation that there were FIVE  previous Friday the 13th movies out there, I got a watchin, culminating with Part 5.  But it became a strange journey of evolution, as the film producers struggled to keep up with the ever changing cinematic landscape.  

PRE-ZOMBIE JASON 

After seeing part six, I was hungry for more zombie Jason. But this was still early days, part 7 The new Blood was still in production. Meanwhile, I began ploughing thru the previous five Friday the 13th sequels waiting for Jason to turn full zombie. It was a bit of chore I must admit.  

I guess it was because these sequels seemed so different to Jason Lives in terms of style and pacing and the humour was pretty scarce. That and the fact Jason was still essentially human. 

He was like some mongoloid kid who lost the plot. It felt pretty weird. Meanwhile Jasons not getting any more zombie like and if anything sequels 2, 3 and 4 are like  Sloth  from The Goonies had gone on a killer rampage. 

So it took me a while to get into them. 

However,  part four featured a young Tommy Jarvis (played by Corey Feldman) and this movie in particular, gave me hope, that events would finally lead to part six and thus got me hot for more Friday the 13th, under the vague promise of seeing some pre Jason Lives killer zombie action. 

IT WAS ONLY A DREAM

So I was rather looking forward to seeing Part 5: A New Beginning and seeing Jason finally in killer zombie mode.  And for the first few opening minutes I wasn't disappointed. Corey Feldman was back blundering around in the woods, witnessing a couple of country yokel hicks dig up Jasons grave. I'm like wow this is awsum. Sheeting rain, thunder and Corey. Its great.  

Jason comes to life and he looks suitably gross. He kills the yokels and climbs out of his grave, looming over the young terrified boy, brandishing his trademark machete. Its all fantastic stuff. Then pffffff.

It was just a stupid dream folks. Cut to several years later and Coreys out the picture entirely along with Zombie Jason. Then it just sorta meandered around that clinic with fake jason hiding in the shadows, picking kids off one by one. Sorry? What? Is that it?   

I then had to sit thru lots of stupid recycled creepy POV's of couples canoodling to sinister music, shots of fake Jasons feet / hands and  Its like jesus, come on! We've had like three sequels of this already, we know what the guy looks like ok?   

Ironically, those dream bits (with real Jason) were the best bits of this entire movie. And maybe that should have been the film? After all, thats what the public really wanted. 

DAM ENCHILADAS

Thats right, its them damn enchiladas from here on in. 

In fact, I kinda liked the enchiladas scene, its upbeat and the actors did a great job. Besides the dream sequence, its really the only other memorable scene. So much so, that they even sold those dam enchiladas as Friday The 13th merchandise. Apparently. 

TOO MUCH LIKE A PORNO 

Warning this movie contains tits. LOTS.  I've never seen so many. Is this a horror film or a porno? The lines really got blurred.  It was like watching Porky's. Not that I'm averse to that. But if I wanted to watch a porno, I would have hired out Debbie Does Dallas. 

If memory serves, the films director specialised in porn, so no surprise there.  Bring it on baby. 

SCOOBY DOO ENDING 

Worst still, Part 5 runs pretty much like a Scooby doo caper. And we all know that none of the supernatural monsters in Scooby were ever real. They were just unscrupulous penny-pinching con-artists wearing monster masks. The Scooby gang always got the bad guys arrested, and they invariably always removed a mask to reveal the skulking criminal beneath. So the end of part 5 kinda sucked for this reason.  

The paramedic was Jason all along kids!  In a way, I was kinda relieved. Because it meant that the real Jason was still rotting in a grave since Part four and would finally come back in part six.  Which meant that A New Beginning was a waste of my time basically. I kinda felt cheated.  

DEVOLUTION 

Yep this film is a little undercooked.  It hadn't evolved, in the way its predecessors had. 

It just repeated movies 1-4, added some porn shots, enchiladas and went off the rails.  In fact, if anything, it had devolved.  

At least in parts 1-4 we see a clear line of evolution with the character. Its not Shakespeare or anything, but as the viewer we get a sense of his roots, starting with his drowning in Chrystal Lake, his vengeful mother and culminating in Jason picking up the family heirloom machete so to speak. 

SUPERNATURAL MONSTERS 

But by the mid-80's, fickle tastes quickly got bored of slasher content, audiences wanted more. The whole crazy guy in a mask theme, was getting old. In the wake of "A nightmare on Elm St", audiences now lent more towards the supernatural. They wanted something along the lines of the old universal horror movies but without the cheese. 

They wanted Leather-Face and Freddy, Chucky and Candy Man. So Jason had to tow the line. 

If the Friday the 13th franchise had any future, it would inevitably have to adapt with the times. Its main star, Jason had to go full zombie, sooner or later. So imagine my frustration when I had to sit thru five sequels waiting for this to magically happen. 

Part one didn't even have Jason, his mother did all the killing. Part two he ran around with a sack cloth on his head. Part three, we start to see the iconic hockey Mask introduced and by part four (the supposed final chapter) I was finally starting to see a pattern. Jason was evolving. 

MONSTER PROGENITOR 

And what kick-started this slasher trend? Why Halloween of course. But the genius of that film is that the killer (Michael Myers) wasn’t just some hack in a mask.

He was compelled by evil forces, making him invincible. Which is why that character was so intriguing.

Friday the 13th Part 5 however, didn't say anything new. But its dream sequences are what its best remembered for (that and them damn enchiladas). And that’s what the film should have been (no not them damn enchiladas) but Zombie Jason rising from the grave and creating merry hell. 

Hence, I think this is the reason "Part 6: Jason Lives" became so popular because Jason had finally evolved into a unstoppable zombie, joining that unholy congregation of progenitors featuring Freddy Kruger and Michael Myers.

 As for part five, you can keep them damn enchiladas. 

THE DYING ART OF CINEMA

 THE DYING ART OF CINEMA 

In the wake of Martin Scorsese defending running times for films like his “Killers of the Flower Moon,” its just my humble opinion, that Cinema is quickly becoming a dying art.  

Heres why: 

TOO DAM EXPENSIVE 

I mean, you have to get there, usually by car or bus or train. If you've arrived in style, you still need to pay for parking tickets. Then you have to buy nibbles. I mean, you're gonna be stuck in there for quite a while, so snacks are a must. But then the nibbles cost like a small fortune. A choc-ice is like a fiver. A bag of crisps is like three quid. And the drinks require a small mortgage. 

And thats before you've even gotten inside the cinema. Now you've spent the better part of ten or twenty quid just on a few drinks and snacks and they don't even taste that good. Factor in your actual cinema tickets and you're pretty much broke until pay day. 

FORCES CUSTOMERS INTO CRIME 

I've often gotten around the food issue in the past, by just smuggling in my own snacks and drinks. I guess a lot of folks do. Its a no brainer when you can simply buy snacks in the corner shop for a few quid, as opposed to the extortionate prices of a cinema. Then all you need to cover is travel and the cinema tickets. Its a workable compromise but some cinemas have been known to search customers bags and even eject them from the theatre. So its a risk. But why bother? 

ZERO DISABILITY ACCESS 

So much for dating. Paying for your sweetheart might break the bank. And forget family outings with the kids. Unless you can afford to buy the cinema itself, forget it. Its just too much headache. And if you're disabled in any way, well thats just your own bloody fault isn't it? We cant very well turn the cinema upside down just because your in a wheelchair for fuksakes. Now kindly go away and die somewhere, so we can rake in all this money. 

LACK OF 3D VIEWINGS 

The last time I went to see a big budget movie I will never forget. It was Avatar 2 in 3D. Plus it was the only cinema in the area that was still screening it in 3D, so it was real mission just to get there by car, that entailed an arduous 45 minute journey. In fact, you'd be hard pushed to find anywhere that screens 3D movies, as they were cinematically intended.

UNCOMFORTABLE SEATS

The cinema itself was part of a multi-complex. So you'd expect more. The seats were old rickety theatre styled ones: narrow, no leg room, nowhere to put your coat and stuff. I ended up with all my gear piled on my lap, like I was on a friken subway train! Of course I smuggled in a months worth of food. That was the only plus. But the rest was sheer torture.

NO INTERMISSIONS 

Avatar 2 was like 3hrs and 12 minutes, not counting half an hour of adverts and trailers. After one hour, my butt was so numb I just wanted to go home and after three hours I was almost climbing the walls.

The film itself was brilliant but ruined by the so called 'cinematic experience' - so I had a good moan at the staff about it afterwards. But they were like yeah whatever and argued that if they had an intermission, then the films would run over time !?!

Jesus. Just put all the adds in the intermission!! SIMPLES! Then everyone (with the muller to burn), can go buy more popcorn, choc ices and beer and maybe even talk about the movie so far. The rest of us will settle for cigarette breaks.

CORPORATE DEMOGRAPHICS

So why don't they just bring back intermissions? Because its all down to money and advertising. They want you to sit thru endless dumb-ass adverts and trailers because some suit in Hollywood (with a demographic vertically integrated wall chart, the size of three tennis courts) has insisted on it.

They know dam well, that if they put all the adds etc in a intermission, nobody would watch them. And they got sponsors breathing down their necks. But then the cinema needs customers buying food and beverages. Thats their bread and butter. Not the movie. They make very little from the film. All that goes back into the pocket of Hollywood. So on one hand an intermission benefits the cinema and customers but it doesn't necessarily benefit Hollywood.

That said, all the leaver pullers need to sit down and work this out. Intermissions are an invaluable part of cinema culture. And it could be argued that many films have flopped simply because the films were too long and the customers weren't allowed a break.

ONLINE STREAMING

But in the end, Netflix and online streaming will kill off the cinemas once and for all and they've only got themselves to blame.

You might as well bit torrent and download said movies and watch them on your laptop in the comfort of your hovel. But what about that cinematic experience? Yeah well, so what?

I first saw Fury Road as a bit torrent download before it even hit the cinemas. Admittedly it was probably not as good seeing it on a laptop but then again I didn't have no assholes talking behind me or kicking my seat. I didn't have to travel halfway across the country, only to get a parking ticket. Plus it was FREE. 

Of course, I would have rather seen that movie as it was intended to be - in the cinema. But cinemas aint what they used to be. 

Ultimately with all the hassle it is just to go and see a movie these days, most folks would rather just stay at home and stream, which is kinda tragic.

It just means less people going out on dates and socialising in general. But I guess its a case of Frankly my dear, I don't give a dam.

RESURRECTION OF THE DALEKS

Looking Back:

RESURRECTION OF THE DALEKS

When Dr Who briefly forgot it was for kids

When I was a kid, my Mother took me to the not-so-official "Dr Who Shop" hidden deep in Butler's Wharf, main location for Dr Who's production of Resurrection of the Daleks. 

This must have been a year or two after it was broadcast but before the entire site was turned into posh flats. I still remember walking down those haunting streets with all those girder catwalks along Shad Thames etc. It was all there, just as it had been in Resurrection. The rain had just lifted, leaving a sheen on the cobbled streets. 

And it was eerie as hell. I half expected a Dalek to be pushed out of a second floor window or one of Lyttons police goons to shoot me, using a silencer. 

Anyway. Resurrection of the Daleks. Like your Marmite, either take it or leave it. For me, it was the best Dalek story of the 1980s. Why ? Because it was a big deal when it first came out, because we hadn't seen any Dalek action in like five years. 

Most of all, it made the Daleks actually scary, established Davros as a Sith Lord Bad-Ass and crossed the blurry line between tea-time kiddies show with  adult themes and body horror. 

DAVROS RETURNS

The return of Davros in Resurrection, was a big deal, mainly due to Terry Molly taking over from Michael Wisher and a total revamp of the Davos's 'look'.

The costume upgrade was the best of all the incarnations. More switches and nobs on his control panel, not to mention a really kool gadget that he uses to control the minds of his minions, such as pre Dirty Den actor Leslie Grantham.

Then theres Molly’s awesome portrayal. like WOW! 

Now this was a Davros for a 1980s audience. Whatever that means. Perhaps a more mature audience? 

A Return of the Jedi / EastEnders audience. Whatever. 

And like some Dirty Den being thawed from carbonite, so too was Davros, revived from his cryogenic prison, making his return one of the most memorable in the series.

He’s also a bad-ass mofo. No longer a mere crippled scientist being pushed around in his Daleky wheel chair. This version of Davros is TERRIFYING.

All power to the disabled, that’s what I say.

Now his ambitions are up there with Atilla The Hun and his rants make Hitler’s speeches at the Nuremberg Rally, look like a crappy juggling act on Britain’s Got Talent before a bemused Simon Cowell.

Somewhere between the Evil Emperor, Hannibal Lecter and a disgruntled wheel chair user trying to get on the 149 bus to Tottenham, this Davros can talk the backside off a Movellan Battle Cruiser and then some !

"The universe is at war, Doctor! Name one planet whose history is not littered with atrocities, and ambition for empire! It is a universal way of life."

Molly got to play Davros in two sequels, and expanded on his Sith Lord Abilities, paving the way as the quintessential Davros, with the knack of levitation and firing arcs of electricity from his finger.

LOCATIONS

The location work is also fantastic. Those wet cobbled streets down Shad Thames with its girder cat walks criss-crossing above. Very atmospheric. These scenes were filmed in London’s Butler's Wharf, a once thriving industrial community.

Often referred to as 'London’s Larder', its warehouses stored huge quantities of tea, coffee, spices and other commodities. By the 1970's container shipping, trucks and railways had made this area redundant.

With subsequent cheap rents, it became a hotspot for local artists such as David Hockney and Derek Jarman, paving the road for gentrification, which turned this area into the posh hive for expensive flats and Star Bucks, that it is today.

SCARY DALEKS 

In their previous excursion, Destiny Of The Daleks (partly written by Douglas Adams), the Daleks rolled down a rocky comical road, becoming farcical pepper-pots. It was a stigma that was hard for them to shake off.

By the 1970s, the Daleks popularity was on the wane. No longer huge movie stars, now they trundled about the Tv series rather lifelessly, flashing their lights out of time. It was like the operators were either asleep or weren't in them at all. 

It would be a running theme,  notable from Day of the Daleks onwards. This was mainly due to directors who hated working with them and thus took the money and ran. Plus they didn't get to do much anyway, always playing second fiddle as Davros took centre stage as usual. 

Cheaper build methods also meant cheaper looking Daleks. By the late 80’s Remembrance of the Daleks had reduced them to stereo types of themselves.

The exception during this hiatus being Resurrection. But it would be the last time the Daleks were ever taken seriously during the series original BBC tenure. 

For the next twenty years, the Daleks suffered ridicule and were knocked for their short-comings, that is until Russell T Davis made them respectable again.

SUPREME DALEK 

So the Dalek Supreme was back. The likes of which not seen since Planet of the Daleks and only mentioned in Destiny.

He doesn't do very much of course, apart from bark orders and scheme plans. 

But he looks the part, with his Sith Lord black paint job and white hemispheres. While the other Daleks look decidedly worse for ware. 

All the Daleks in this story, were voiced by actor Brian Miller, who was also married to former Dr Who Companion Elizabeth Sladen of Sarah Jane Smith fame. Small world. 

LYTTON

Commander Lytton, played by the formidable Maurice Colbourne, almost steals the show. With his mercenary gang for hire, posing as coppers, this gives the story a whole new dimension. 

Like, sorry ? The Daleks need mercenaries? When did this happen? Things must really be bad. Usually they just robotise everyone. Not anymore. 

The heady days of subjugating all other life are long gone, in the wake of The Movellan War. 

The Daleks have been reduced to scavengers. Fortunately for them, Lytton and his not-so-merry men are available. The only thing missing, is Mr T and the A-team van. 

Lytton is not afraid of anyone. Thus he has the Daleks by their greeny gonads. So it’s fun to see him bitch-fight with the Dalek Supreme and put him in his place without fear of extermination. Its like watching Eva Braun and Hitler, bickering over who left the chicken in the oven too long.  

Prop wise, there is another nod to the Star Wars era, with Lytton's men wearing helmets that look suspiciously like Darth Vaders but with more Dalek bits. 

CREEPY STORY

Basically, it’s a dark tale. Akin to a Shakespeare tragedy in space. Like Warriors of the Deep, everybody dies and then some. So much so, that even Tegan finally draws the line and jumps ship. Well, who would blame her? After all, Adric was dead, Nyssa joined a Space Leper Colony and Turlough turned out to be a two faced Trion ginger vagina.

That scene when a Dalek octopus escapes and attacks a soldier was particularly effective and scary. 

And the Daleks blasting the airlock was quite exciting. And let’s not forget the epic Dalek battle in the warehouse at the end and them succumbing to Movellan shaving foam.

Thus it was the only 80s story that attempted more horror than in previous episodes.

NOT FOR FAMILY VIEWING

In fact, it broke the precedent in upping the shock-value in Dr Who. I mean. We got to see an extreme close up of this guy’s face eaten away by some Dalek skin eating Gas? Crew members puffing away on cigarettes, soldiers being attacked by Rabid Octopuses etc. Even Lyttons murderous coppers using silencers? It was all a bit much for most Tea Time viewers, straight off the bat of Gardeners Weekly. 

It was almost as if producer JNT wanted to finally break the mould of Dr Who as a children’s Tv show and make it more for adults. But it backfired. 

This time the series went too far. All this culminated in complaints from concerned parents about the series direction. But as a kid I thought this was fucking kool. And still do. 

But the powers that be said no. Dr Who was a children's show and thats were it belonged. Never again would the original series deal with such graphic issues. 

The sequel (Revelation of the Daleks) is by comparison, a much lighter affair. 

It still contains dark undertones and themes of death but it was obvious that budgets were being cut. The Dalek voices sound like nose pinching, comedian Alexei Sayle, as hilarious as he is, seemed too jarring. 

By the Sylvester McCoy era, the show was so dumbed down for kids, that it lost its adult viewership altogether and was subsequently axed. 

LEGACY

What Resurrection gave was the most adult Dalek story since Geneses. With the shows return in 2004, the latter revamps of Davros owed much to Molly’s incarnation. As for the Daleks, it briefly returned them to top monster of Dr Who, in the whole Top of the Pops thing. 

Plus, its shock-horror elements elevated the series into some serious mature viewing, offering a glimpse of what a more grown up show might look like, if the BBC suits had all been exterminated.