NOT-SO AWSUM MOVIES: BEYOND STAR TREK BEYOND

NOT-SO AWSUM MOVIES: 

BEYOND STAR TREK BEYOND

or 

WHY BLOWING UP THE ENTERPRISE 

(FOR A THIRD TIME IN A ROW) 

IS REALLY GETTING OLD 

I have no real problem with Star Trek Beyond, honestly. Good solid acting, spectacular effects, its all very entertaining. But still, there is that niggling issue about the USS Enterprise getting destroyed YET AGAIN. I suppose its more than a niggle. Ok fuck it. I’ll be totally honest. WTF?  

Basically my gripe is the utter disrespect for the good old USS Enterprise, who's served her crew thru thick and thin, faithfully in two spectacular JJ Abrams movies. Then its like the third movie and whatever. She gets trashed, in the first ten minutes of this film, as if she's not even relevant! 

This concept just didn’t really work for me at all. There was no real reason to do it, other than cheap thrills. 

THAT THIRD ALTERNATIVE 

But here’s the thing. They coulda had their cake and eaten it, if they simply gotten the Enterprise thru the whole narrative somehow intact. 

It just seemed like nobody was in charge of script editing. 

If they had, it might have been like Kirks rant in 'Operation Annihilate.' Where Spock and McCoy are at a loss about what to do with the killer flying pizzas and Kirk is losing patience with their fumbling. 

    'Im putting you two on the hot seat with me!' He says. 'I want that third Alternative!'

In that respect, they should have gotten William Shatner on board to help re-write Simon Pegg's dumbass script. 

    'What Simon? The Enterprise gets blown up again? How about a third Alternative??' 

Why nobody objected to blowing up the Enterprise, is beyond me. Which is ironic because its actually called Star Trek Beyond.  But beyond what? Beyond the Enterprise? Beyond any sense what so ever? 

But lets talk about that Third Alternative for a second:

They could have had Kirk etc crash-land on the planet in a space shuttle (or whatever), while the Enterprise is elsewhere looking for it, while trying to evade the nasty space swarm.

Alternatively, they could have abandoned ship, (thinking it was doomed) but Scotty stays aboard and (somehow) manages to bring her back to life. This idea might have had more impact. The crew think the Enterprise is gone and with no hope of rescue they slug it out on the planet. 

But then its tad-arr! The third act, reveals the Enterprise is in fact not as badly damaged as everyone thought and Scotty has a full bank of phasers ready to kick-ass! 

They coulda done any one of a plethora of ideas, other than binning the USS Enterprise on the sacrificial alter of entertainment. 

Because blowing up the Enterprise is really a one trick pony idea. You can only really do it once (maybe twice) and that’s it. 

THIRD TIMES, NO CHARM

Jesus. I've almost lost count here. How many times has the Enterprise been blown up now? 

Lets do the math. Or Maths. Whatever. 

Echoes of 'The Search For Spock' and 'Generations' spring to mind. 

The first time they blew up the Enterprise, it was to up the stakes: 

It was all or nothing for Kirk: his son dead, his best friend Spock somewhere in limbo, his career in Star Fleet OVER. So the Enterprise’s destruction was kinda like the ultimate blow to Kirk, his ultimate sacrifice and fuck you to the no-win-scenario.

    Star Trek: The Search For Spock. A twenty-year old battered USS Enterprise is at an end. 

In Generations, the saucer-section detaches and crash-lands on the planet, its a spectacular scene and works for all the right reasons. Simply put, the stakes have to be so high, that blowing up the Enterprise is really the last resort and shouldn't be taken lightly and not just for kicks.  

                                 Star Trek: Generations, The Enterprise takes a clobbering. 

Because this iconic ship, is what glues all of Star Trek together. 

It was bad enough when they trashed Vulcan in the first movie (altering the entire time line for no reason at all) and then got the most inappropriate actor to play Khan for 'Into Darkness: Benedict (I am Khaaaaaaaan) Cumberbunch. 

TARANTINO APPROACH 

Some critics compare Abrams approach to the franchise, as akin to Star Wars but I would say it was more like Quentin Tarantino. In fact they even asked him to direct. 

Yep that’s right. They actually approached Tarantino to make a Star Trek movie. Of course it never happened but it does feel like they were trying to emulate Tarantino’s thinking, in this particular movie. Would Tarantino bin the Enterprise like this? He might have, if this film was a parody like Galaxy Quest.  

So its been a case of: what else can we do to wow the audiences, guys? Fuck it, lets get Simon Pegg to trash the USS Enterprise! Tarantino style! And for what? I’ll tell you what. Cheap thrills. 

And thats what you get folks, when you have a bunch of kids with a ton of hollywood money, trying to imitate Tarantino and then applying that to Star Trek. 

The net result, is you end up blowing the crap out of your Golden Goose in an blatant attempt to out-do 'The Search For Spock' and try to morph Star Trek into something like Star Wars meets Reservoir Dogs , all safe in the knowledge that blowing up the Enterprise is no big deal. They can always build another one. 

After all, there’s plenty more letters in the Alphabet.